Postpartum Depression is a Bitch

Don’t let that girl on the left fool you for one second… she may look happy, but she is not. That is me 1 month after Molly was born, in the depths of postpartum depression but not yet realizing it. I just knew I felt sad a lot and lonely even when surrounded by my family. I would sit alone in the middle of the night nursing with tears streaming down my face and not even know why. Shouldn’t I be happy with my new baby? But I wasn’t. I was full of anxiety and fear and doubts.

 nikki hill johnson weightloss before and after

I pushed away my friends. I pushed away my family. I became a recluse of sorts. And I was NOT nice to Ben at.all. Once I finally got help a few months later things got a little better {until I was laid off, but that is another story for another post. ha!}. That is something that they don’t tell you about PPD. It’s hormone related so although I was on medication, I still wasn’t myself. I didn’t want to work out or take care of myself. And then I got pregnant again {on purpose this time} and I had antepartum depression my first trimester. Never heard of it? Google it. Welcome back hormones. :::sigh::::

I stayed fairly active through my second pregnancy but I was already overweight starting out so I had a long road ahead of me after delivery. THANKFULLY I did not have PPD with Burke. I was SO SO scared that I would have it again. Because even though Ben and I mentally prepared ourselves for me having it again, there really is nothing you can do to prepare… you just have to ride the wave. And it’s a wave that wants to take you under and drown you.

Most of you followed my journey here so you know it was not an easy road. It was day after day of making decisions that I knew would get me to where I wanted to be. However, I still struggle! I always will! There are temptations and excuses at every turn. I fall off the wagon constantly… in fact, I’m 10lbs heavier right now than I was in June!! {and it’s not muscle. lol} But that’s what life is… a constant learning and growing experience. I have all the tools I need to get where I want to be. It’s telling myself I AM good enough. I DO deserve to be happy, to reach my goals, to feel confident. And so do YOU.

I’ve come a long way from where I was in that photo on the left. That is why I am passionate about helping moms find themselves again after children — That is why I will not stop. Because I’ve been there and I know how it feels.

If you are a PPD sufferer past or present, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me!